When my doctor first used the term "Vagina Envy" I was sure I had misheard her. I guess my shock from hearing the words read like a book across my face, because she started to laugh. She said that although the term is her own, the issue is very real. It is a form of postpartum depression that only a handful of women whose only option was an emergency C-section suffer from. It's extremely hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced it. My doctor said that she knew I was a prime candidate not only because during the 4 months that she was my doctor I made it clear that unless Grace's life was in danger I was not open to having a C-section, but also because I was planning a natural child birth. It has been especially hard the past 5 months because I have had about 15 friends have babies recently only one of those was a c-section and it was planned due to her first child being born via C-section. It's hard to hear their birth stories because there is so much that I feel I was cheated out of. Please don't get me wrong, Grace is the most wonderful and awesome blessing I could ever have asked for, but I as said unless you have been here there is no way for you understand.
When I am told how amazing it was when the doctor placed their little miracle on their chest I am jealous, because I did not/will not ever have that. I was not the first, second, or even third person to hold Grace. In fact she was not placed in my arms until 45 minutes after she was born. Even then because I was extremely drugged I could barely keep my eyes open and I was not able to hold her without supervision because I was trembling so bad. When I was finally moved to the postpartum ward I was told that I could not be alone with Grace until it was okayed by my doctors. So that night when Steve had to drive my mom home I was separated from her for nearly 2 hours until She needed to be fed and a nurse had to sit in the room with us. After she was done she was once again taken to the nursery until Steve finally made it back. (No he was not taking his time either it killed him being away from her as well the hospital is just that far with traffic and the snow on the ground.) It's hard knowing that my next child birth will more then likely be just same, only I will know going in that a C-section is pretty much my only option. The hardest part of all it though is feeling like I am broken. Anyone who has known me for the past 10 years knows the issues I have had. This pregnancy was extremely normal and I was finally feeling like a woman again, but its amazing how quickly that was taken away.
It didn't occur in the hospital the only that was going though my mind that morning was getting Grace into this world healthy. The day we were discharged from the hospital the nurse (Roberta) who was there when was Grace was born came in to say goodbye. While we were talking she admitted that she was holding her breath until she heard Grace's screams. Her heart rate had been dangerously low for longer than they were comfortable with and they were not sure what they were about to encounter. I do not take for granted Grace's health. The fact that I can hold my beautiful girl in my arms today is nothing short of a miracle. I definitely never expected to feel depressed over not having a normal labor. As I said before unless you have been here it's not something you could understand. My doctor assures me that my feelings are quite common for someone in my shoes, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact she suggested sharing my feelings with others, she said I would be surprised to find that I am not alone. The truth is that until today I was ashamed, I felt guilty for feeling the way I do. I thought that I should be happy no matter what kind of birth story I had at least I had one right? In fact Steve wasn't even aware of my feelings until recently, but I have woken up to the fact that I am not alone. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am allowed to be upset about missing out on the most natural thing for a woman's body to do give birth. It's ok to be jealous of an experience I will never have, as long as I don't harp on it. So that's what I am doing. I am getting my feelings out there and I am letting go!
Now, I am going to go in the other room and stare down at my Gracie Bell and bask in the blessing that she is in my life.
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