Don't feel sorry for me.

I hate breastfeeding. There I said it!! The idea of walking around with my boob hanging out all the time just bothers me. I am not comfortable BF in my own home and I am sure as hell not comfortable doing it in public. With Grace I thought I had such a hard time with it because she didn't latch and we ended up having to use a sheild which just makes everything that much harder. Especially in public. After 12 weeks of trying to make it breastfeeding with Grace and some complications with medicine I gave up breastfeeding and switched her to formula. Of course life was ten times easier for me. I didn't have to worry about trying to get her to latch while in public without dropping the nipple sheild and having milk run down my front. I just packed the bottles and formula and I was good to go. I got some nasty looks from fellow moms and even a lecture or two about how I was destroying my child's health. I never let those get to me though. We were a much happier family without the breastfeeding. Until I hit the checkout every week. My goodness formula is an expensive little powder. We spent upwards of $40 a week on her formula. So when we decided to have Connor I was determined to make breastfeeding work!

When Connor latched on in the hospital with no problems and "ate" like a champ I was thrilled!! After all my biggest anxieties with BFing Grace were due to her latching problems, right? Wrong! When we got home and my milk came in things went down hill pretty fast. Connor was a cluster feeder from day one. I am talking the kind of kid who wanted to be attached 24/7! It was the only other time he wasn't crying other then when he was asleep. The first couple days weren't bad since I had Steve to help, but when he went back to work at 7 days pp all hell broke lose. Connor never wanted to be put down but he also didn't want me moving during his feeding. No sling would do either. Soon he only ate in football position also very difficult to do in public! Then my letdown was to strong and the kid choked every time he ate which was all the time and soon he started refusing the breast. It would take 2 hours to get a full 10 minutes of him latching because he just kept popping off. Poor Grace was losing it. Daddy was working 12-14 hours usually when she was awake and mommy always had this little thing attached to her. She began to cry every time Connor did knowing mommy would have to feed him.  My heart was breaking! About two weeks PPD I told Steve that's it I can't do this anymore! I was completely miserable. Not only did I feel like I was letting my toddler down I was comfortable all the time and not just because of my crazy oversupply! I never wore a shirt it seemed! I was always walking around naked from the waist up and when I did go out in public I always had those stupid nursing covers on which he HATED!! I couldn't just stop BF! I was determine to get him to at least 12 weeks. So what do I do?

It was on a day trip to Lawton OK when I got my answer. In order to avoid pulling over every ten minutes just to sit there for 30 while he ate I took along my breast pump and pumped every three hours. I realized quickly that both he and I were much happier. When we got home I made an appointment to see the LC here in Altus. After talking with her we determined two things. First I had an oversupply and an over active let down. These were the reasons for Connor's sudden lack of interest in eating and more then likely the same reasons Grace had latching issues. Second although it was possible for us to keep trying and as he would grow his ability to adjust the flow would also grow. I was honest if it was going to take a lot of time and effort I didn't know if I could mentally handle that. As I said earlier Steve is training on a new aircraft meaning he was working 12-14 hour days starting and ending at the weirdest times. I was also a lot more depressed then I let on and I knew any more stress would send me back down the dark road I had been after Grace. So we talked options. Of course formula feeding was one but I refused. What a waste? I had friends who gave anything to be able to provide their child with BM and they just couldn't. Here I was with an abundance and I was just going to quit? Umm..No! So next was pumping. She warned that it might be harder then I thought. At first you have to pump every 2-3 hours for 20 minutes. I could tell that she was secretly thinking how pumping would be just as much work then just waiting it out, but she wasn't the one who had her heartbroken every time she had to feed the baby because her toddler was getting left out for hours at time. So I decided I'd give it ago. I had exclusively pumped the last 3 weeks with Grace I could at least try it. Little did I know what an amazing thing it would be.


After a week and a really good transition bottle suggestion from a friend Connor was fully on bottles. I can't tell you how much happier the Bostwick household was. Grace loved that mommy wasn't always wrapped up with Connor. I could pass him off to Steve if he was home and we could have a little girl time. Connor was happier too! He would eat a lot more since it wasn't being shot into his mouth like fire hose. I get annoyed sometimes as I am standing over the sink washing the plethora of bottles, pump parts, and storage bottles, but then I remember how much better life is and it's all worth it. I am determined to make it to at least 6 months pumping. I'd love to make it to a year but small goals work better for me. So what I tell you that I exclusively pump don't feel sorry for me. I am a much happier person knowing that I don't have to be miserable to breastfeed my son. Sure I wish I was one of those women who loved breastfeeding, but I am not. I do still however want my son to get the best nutrition he can so this is what I have to do. It's whats best for both of us.

Oh What A Year!!

      I can't believe it has been a year since my last post. I thought maybe six months or so but a full year? Where did that time go? It's amazing how it all just gets away from you so fast. In fact it just hit me in this very second that we are more then halfway through with 2014 already! Holy COW!! So let me catch you up on the last year of the Bostwick Clan.

     The summer of 2013 was pretty uneventful for us. Steve upgraded to Instructor Pilot in the C-21 in May. Not much in the way of June that I can remember. We spent fourth of July in Dallas while Steve had some simulator training. I didn't remember just how much I love the state of Texas until we were there. I really could move to the Dallas area and be perfectly happy. In fact it is a conversation that comes up a lot now in the household. Grace and I ended up with a terrible stomach bug causing us to cut our trip short but it was still fun while it lasted. In August Steve pinned on Captain and we found out that he would be spending the end of year deployed.  Grace and I took a trip to Washington DC and got to FINALLY meet my adorable nephew Ben! September was a big month for us....on the 25th after months of trying we found out we were expecting our 2nd child! We spent the month of October preparing for Steve's upcoming deployment. Due to the fact that I was expecting and it was the holiday season we decided that Grace and I would return to Georgia for majority of the deployment. Shoveling snow and trying to make it to doctor appointments alone in Colorado was just not something I was looking forward too. Grace and I flew in to the homeland on the 26th and Steve joined us two days later with the puppies. He was able to spend a week with us there in Atlanta before returning back to Colorado. November and December were filled with the typical holiday fun. Grace and I became really familiar with I-75 as we made the track from Atl to Valdosta quite a bit. We rang in the New Year in Valdosta with a visit from Brittany, Alex, and Ben! It was great to see them again so soon. As busy as the end of 2013 seemed it had NOTHING on what the first 6 months of 2014 would bring for us.

     In January Grace and I returned home to Colorado. As wonderful as it was to spend time in Georgia with the family it was so nice to be back in our house and that much closer to Daddy coming home.  I was looking forward to getting settled back into our routine and finally being able to start processing our pregnancy.  In October and November we had two separate scares with bleeding, but as far as we could tell everything was ok. In December we found out we were having a boy. At each of these events I felt very detached. As excited, as I was to be pregnant I didn't feel like it was all really happening because Steve was not around and I wasn't in my home. So getting back to Colorado in January I felt like it would all start to hit me. Then Steve dropped the biggest bomb on me one night in February.

    We had been talking on FaceTime before he went to work and I went to bed. It wasn't 30 seconds after hanging up that my phone began to ring again. When I saw it was Steve I knew something was up because I had just told him I was exhausted and really needed to go to bed. When I answered he said "So...listen to this.." then he proceeded to read an e-mail from virtual MPF telling him that he has been selected for an assignment at Seymour Johnson AFB in NC. The idea of getting a assignment was not a shock as we had been waiting to hear about what we though was going to be a summer move as our SQ was closing in June. He then read the dates.... April 21st. I am sorry what?? Instantly I started doing the math.... how many weeks away was that.... how far along in my pregnancy would I be? I had moved in my third trimester with Grace and I had vowed to NEVER do that again. HA! Was this even real? Everyone else had been told about his or her new assignments from the SQ Commander not though e-mails. Plus they had said that none of us were leaving until after we were closed anyways this must all be a mistake. So Steve emailed his SQ and I settled in for a very sleepless night. When we talked again the next day Steve told me it was legit. We were leavingColorado in 8 weeks and I was going to be moving at 34 weeks pregnant. There goes processing this pregnancy...I was going to be too busy getting ready for a PCS for any of it to start to feel real.

     Steve got home February 22 and that's when the whirlwind began. All our plans for his two weeks R&R went out the window. We needed to use that time he had off to start getting the house ready for the move. Before I knew it two weeks had passed and Steve was back to work. March and April was filled with going though the house, cleaning, packing, and figuring out healthcare stuff for when we got to our temporary training in Altus Ok where we would be until September.  It took a lot of help from some amazing friends, but on April 20th we hit the road for Oklahoma. After getting settled into our little 2 bedrooms TLF here I finally found time to get ready for our new arrival. In just 5 and 1/2 short weeks our little trio would grow to a quartet. That's where we are now. Connor Milton joined our family on May 28th at 8 am via c-section. Going from one child to two has been quite the journey especially in a tiny apartment with Steve working 12-14 hour days at times. We are surviving though and everyday it gets a little easier. Sometime at the end of August we will pack up here and start the last leg of this PSC to North Caroline where we will finally get to settle down for a good 3-4 years...hopefully!