Procede with Caution

I’ve heard many women say they “just knew” when they were done having children. I’m not there. My husband is, but I am still hanging somewhere between feeling our family is complete and hell why not one more.  As you can guess this a source of contention in our marriage right now. Sure we talked about how many children we wanted before we got married. In fact when Steve met me I had said I wanted six. That number has since changed dramatically. However in the years we dated and were engaged the number of children we wanted flexed between 3 and 4. Once our daughter was born that number flexed again to 2 or 3. When I found out we were having a boy next I knew that getting my husband to sign on for number 3 would be a lot harder then if we had another girl. In fact after a difficult and almost fatal delivery of our son I felt like everyone had made the decision for me. Even the doctor told me that he would not recommend trying for a third with the amount of scar tissue I had. Random strangers tell me "Oh you have a perfect set".  I have found myself saying the same thing. With my husbands career he is gone a lot and I am often overwhelmed with the two young children I have now. My daughter turned 4 just over a week ago and my son will be 2 in May, but I know that this difficult time is temporary and that life will get easier. 

When I first approached the topic this weekend with my husband about having a third. I tried to proceed with extreme caution. I knew he would feel blindsided. For 18 months the talk has essentially been that we were done. That was until a recent pregnancy scare got me thinking again. Even though I tip-toed into the conversation it blew up in my face. I know I handled it wrong. I approached at the wrong angle. Rather then trying to open a discussion the words just flew out. I didn't even know how to explain my thoughts properly. He was defensive right away...remember in his mind this was a closed topic. I knew all his arguments as to why not to have a child already... 

In today's world it's just financially smarter to have two.  
Why be more outnumbered then I already am most days?
I have two healthy children why take the risk of having one that isn't as lucky. 
We can see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to sleep deprivation. and so on... 

In fact I can tell you a hundred reasons as to why not, but I only have one as to why. I feel called to have another a child. I feel a void and I know that this is the missing piece. I know that I will never regret having a third, but one day I may regret not having one. I may wake up one morning feeling like someone is missing from my life and at that point it will be too late. 

There is nothing about having more children that I don’t want. I long to be pregnant again even if my first two were horrible.  The experience of giving birth thrills me. I ache to witness wobbly first steps, first smiles, first giggles. From hearing the adorably poor grammar of toddlers to envisioning huge Thanksgiving dinners when the kids are home from college with friends, my dreams of having a big family are vivid and resolute. I will not give up. The more we argue, the deeper the issues get. 

Are our views on children just too far apart? After almost a decade together, we are no stranger to compromise. But it’s simply not possible in the debate of whether or not to have more children. No amount of understanding, empathy or cooperation will allow us to meet halfway. Nor is there a “choose for yourself” option here, as there can be when deciding whether to or not to go to church, or vote Democrat or Republican. This is a yes-or-no question that requires consensus. It’d be one thing if God had determined that two children was the right number for us. We would feel as blessed as we are today. Absent that intervening force, this battle between husband and wife ends with a “winner” and “loser.” We stand our posts on opposite ends of the spectrum, proceeding with caution, waiting for the other to cave. 

I use to be a good mom.

First I know it's been a while, but tonight this particular topic hit me hard.  I want to start off with first saying this is a not a I need a pat on the back blog. I  know my kids are healthy and happy and in the end that's all that matters. This is not a make Katie feel better about herself post.  I know I am doing my best and considering that 60% of the year I am doing it by myself that's pretty dang good in my book. This is a my kids deserver better blog.  My children deserver my best not "I am doing the best I can".

Tonight I was cleaning up the house from having some friends over and I as put away some of the books that were pulled out I realized I haven't read to Grace or Connor in two days. These past two days have been filled with running here and there. Getting home just in time for nap or bed with hardly minute to spear in between. Both kiddos usually exhausted and a fed up mommy so its usually bath and bed. I can't tell you the number of times the words "I can't do this anymore" has rattled around my brain these past two days.  How just done I am.When Grace was little I was such a great mom. We did so many things through out the day story times, played the park, craft times, etc. Now we are lucky if we get a good 10 minutes of just us time and even then its usually us snuggled up on the couch watching TV because I just want her to stop moving for five minutes. My nerves are shot now a days and I hate that. I wish I had the patiences of a saint, but I just don't. Then tonight as I am putting stuff away I realize that me being done has hurt my children. Tonight Connor went down without a bedtime story. He will be a day older tomorrow and I will never get today back. I did not take the time to be the best mom I could be today. Just five minutes of my time is all it would have taken but instead I put him down so I would have one less kid to deal with for the night. Now all I want to do is rush in his room and rock him in the rocker and read a story and I can't. I need to start remembering that these are the moments that I will want back so badly one day it will hurt. So I need to take the time now to make them happen.

Life should come with a restart button.

So when I sit down to write about today and I think of all that has gone wrong. I release that not one thing was really all that terrible. It was more of just that it happened one thing after another.  I know it’s pretty petty to complain about a day like today. I really should be grateful. It truly wasn’t that bad of a day, like I said nothing really awful happened and for that I am thankful.

So where did my day start? Today actually started at 2 am this morning. When Grace finally gave in to sleep. Of course I can’t sleep knowing she’s still awake and I am not one of those people who can fall asleep the moment their head hits the pillow. In fact I take forever to fall asleep because everything I have to do the next couple of days runs through my head. So finally about 3 am I doze off. Thankfully neither child woke up again until 7:30, which is the time I normally get up on school days anyways. Of course today my loving husband decides to take to long in the shower and I am left to shower with both kiddos awake, which is a dangerous combination.  So I opt to skip the shower and go to the gym from drop off. So I am racing around packing snacks and drinks for school and the gym. When I look up at the calendar and realize it’s the 28^th, the day of Grace’s Pumpkin Festival at school. I wouldn’t have time to go to the gym since I have to accompany her at 10:30. So now I really must shower.

            I race into the bathroom, throw my contacts in, and hop in the shower hoping to get in and out in less than ten minutes. That’s when the burning starts! My contact solution apparently did not neutralize like it was suppose so I basically just shoved 3% hydrogen peroxide in MY EYES!!  In the panic of trying to open my eyes enough to get the contacts out I hear the dreaded thud of a human body hitting the floor.  Sure enough the screams start about 10 seconds later. So I still have one burning contact in and am now running into the living room soaking wet. Luckily Connor had just rolled off the couch on to the carpet and wasn’t injured just surprised by his fall. So I get him settled all while trying to dig out the STILL BURNING CONTACT.  I was able to finish showering and get dressed without anything else eventful happening but contacts were a no go today as my eyes where still pretty soar and red when I left the house.  Of course that is when my exhausted three old year decided to throw a tantrum because she “didn’t want to go to school” or she ”didn’t want to wear Izzy costume to school.”  I finally told her “FINE, we won’t go to school today” and begin to text her teacher to tell her we won’t be making it today. When she suddenly has a change of heart and want’s to go to school, of course the costume is still a no go. So I just throw it in her school tote and head out the door about 10 minutes later then usual.

            The drive to school was also uneventful mercifully as I pulled Elaine Benous trying to get her “house guest” to the airport during rush hour moves on the highway. Like I predicted as soon as she gets to school and sees everyone in costume she wants hers on.  So I am dressing her in the middle of the hallway when I reach in her school tote and feel something gel like that is definitely not suppose to be there. I pull everything out and on the bottom of her tote is a 1-inch thick layer of a white gel like substance that SMELLS LIKE DEATH. Grace’s teacher of course is being very helpful despite being in the middle of drop off by getting me some Clorox wipes and holding Connor while I scoop out whatever this disgusting mess is into the bathroom trash.   It wasn’t until later in the car that it hits me….it was week old milk!! Connor must of spilled his bottle in there too when he was pouring milk on everything the other day. No wonder I didn’t find as much as I thought I would around the house. L

            So now it’s time for me to waste an hour before going back to the school for Grace’s Festival. This is when things actually get a little better. I was going to just walk around the BX for a bit and maybe look at their shoes but I ran into my friend KC who works at the golf shop and was able to vent a little bit about my day and waste the time without having to lock Connor up in a cart. Then back to Grace’s school I go. The festival itself was great and unexciting except for two almost meltdowns from a very tired Grace.  At this point we head home and Grace begins to ask for “(Mc)Donald’s” for lunch.  I am TOO tired and worn out to fight with her so I say SURE.

            Home, Lunch (and Chia Tea since Steve was sweet enough to bring me one home)  and off to nap at 1:30. I force Grace to lie down in my bed with me so I know where she is and I doze next to her while Connor sleeps. The next thing I know it’s 4 pm and both kids are sound a sleep. So I freak out waking Grace up because there is NO way I am going to stay up with her till 2 am again! Wake up Connor and frantically start the meal I am suppose to be bringing one of our squadron families who just a baby. Luckily I woke up with plenty of time to get dinner in the oven and Steve gets home at 5:30 like I begged him to three times that day. I am in the middle of getting our own dinner in the oven next to the meal about to be pulled out when I notice the jar of pesto that is suppose to be on the chicken I am cooking to take is still UNOPENED on the counter. I forgot the MOST important part of the WHOLE meal!!! So I freak out pull their dinner form the oven and just stare at it a minute. Then I said to Steve….I can FIX THIS!! I begin scooping the cheese and tomatoes off the top of the chicken, place the chicken in a new pan, heat the pesto over the stove really quick, pour it on the chicken, replace the tomatoes, cover with more cheese and broil on high for a couple of minutes.  BOOM dinner saved!! OF course that left me with minutes to spare to get out the door. So I throw our dinner in the oven and leave Steve with instructions on what to do and run out the dinner at the last possible minute to make my 6 pm drop off on time. Again Elaine on Rockaway Blvd. moves but dinner gets to where it needs to be on time.

            Expecting that the be the end of any surprised today is really to much. I won’t go into how poor Steve misheard what I said (and wrote down) but needless to say dinner was much later tonight then expected. So far things have been quite since then BUT it’s still technically early. Hopefully I won’t have to add anything else to this post and bedtime will come early and without much fuss! Tomorrow I have nothing planned so I am going to spend the day in pj’s with the kids, catching up on laundry and housework, and “resetting” this week. I could really use the do over. L