I’ve heard many women say they “just knew” when they were done having children. I’m not there. My husband is, but I am still hanging somewhere between feeling our family is complete and hell why not one more. As you can guess this a source of contention in our marriage right now. Sure we talked about how many children we wanted before we got married. In fact when Steve met me I had said I wanted six. That number has since changed dramatically. However in the years we dated and were engaged the number of children we wanted flexed between 3 and 4. Once our daughter was born that number flexed again to 2 or 3. When I found out we were having a boy next I knew that getting my husband to sign on for number 3 would be a lot harder then if we had another girl. In fact after a difficult and almost fatal delivery of our son I felt like everyone had made the decision for me. Even the doctor told me that he would not recommend trying for a third with the amount of scar tissue I had. Random strangers tell me "Oh you have a perfect set". I have found myself saying the same thing. With my husbands career he is gone a lot and I am often overwhelmed with the two young children I have now. My daughter turned 4 just over a week ago and my son will be 2 in May, but I know that this difficult time is temporary and that life will get easier.
When I first approached the topic this weekend with my husband about having a third. I tried to proceed with extreme caution. I knew he would feel blindsided. For 18 months the talk has essentially been that we were done. That was until a recent pregnancy scare got me thinking again. Even though I tip-toed into the conversation it blew up in my face. I know I handled it wrong. I approached at the wrong angle. Rather then trying to open a discussion the words just flew out. I didn't even know how to explain my thoughts properly. He was defensive right away...remember in his mind this was a closed topic. I knew all his arguments as to why not to have a child already...
In today's world it's just financially smarter to have two.
Why be more outnumbered then I already am most days?
I have two healthy children why take the risk of having one that isn't as lucky.
We can see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to sleep deprivation. and so on...
In fact I can tell you a hundred reasons as to why not, but I only have one as to why. I feel called to have another a child. I feel a void and I know that this is the missing piece. I know that I will never regret having a third, but one day I may regret not having one. I may wake up one morning feeling like someone is missing from my life and at that point it will be too late.
There is nothing about having more children that I don’t want. I long to be pregnant again even if my first two were horrible. The experience of giving birth thrills me. I ache to witness wobbly first steps, first smiles, first giggles. From hearing the adorably poor grammar of toddlers to envisioning huge Thanksgiving dinners when the kids are home from college with friends, my dreams of having a big family are vivid and resolute. I will not give up. The more we argue, the deeper the issues get.
Are our views on children just too far apart? After almost a decade together, we are no stranger to compromise. But it’s simply not possible in the debate of whether or not to have more children. No amount of understanding, empathy or cooperation will allow us to meet halfway. Nor is there a “choose for yourself” option here, as there can be when deciding whether to or not to go to church, or vote Democrat or Republican. This is a yes-or-no question that requires consensus. It’d be one thing if God had determined that two children was the right number for us. We would feel as blessed as we are today. Absent that intervening force, this battle between husband and wife ends with a “winner” and “loser.” We stand our posts on opposite ends of the spectrum, proceeding with caution, waiting for the other to cave.
No comments:
Post a Comment