And then it hit me.

Somewhere between 3 and 4 am I found myself sitting Chris-cross applesauce on my bed with my crying 7 day old in my arms. We had been up for almost 6 hours straight trying to find her some relief from the gas that she just couldn't seem to pass. With every whimper my heart broke a little more. I didn't care that I had soaked though my nursing pads, bra, and tank top or that I had only gotten 4 hours of sleep the past three nights. I could careless that my c-section incision was screaming from walking/rocking her around for hours. I only cared that she was hurting and I could not do anything to help. When she finally passed out from pure exhaustion I sat there holding her and I couldn't bring myself to put her down. So I stayed there almost an hour just watching her sleep. It was in this quite moment that it hit me I am a mom. It was just a few years ago we were told that I might never be able to have children and there in my arms laid a prefect healthy baby girl. My days are now full of feedings and dirty diapers. I care way more about the consistency of poo then weather my hair or make up is done. I have traded jeans and cute tops for sweatpants and nursing tanks and sleeping in for sleep deprivation. I am living the dream sore boobs and all!!!

Receiving Grace

I had an idea of what kind of labor I wanted. I had a plan I was going to have Grace the way that God had intended our bodies to have babies. I wanted no pain killers, no medical intervention, I wanted to be able to look at my daughter years down the road and say "Yea honey I had you all natural!!!" Well, you know what they say about plans.....DON'T PLAN ON IT! You see I should have known because Grace is my daughter and let's face it NO ONE tells us what we are going to do. Grace's due date came and went and I showed no signs of labor after a week of still no progression AT ALL my midwife talked me into being inducted (not that I needed much pushing at 41 weeks).

Sunday (Dec 18th) we went to the hospital to have a foley bulb (spelling might be wrong) put it because it's easier on the baby if you are already dilated a little before pitocin is started. While getting hooked up to the monitors the nurse asked if I had been having any contractions of course I said no. She gave me a really funny look and said "Are you sure?" I told her yes I had just been having some cramping the past 3 days. She asked if I was having those cramps right now and I said yea. "Well Dear, that's because your having a contraction." I felt kind of stupid but it's not like I had been in labor before. She then informed me that my contractions were about 4 minutes apart. I was officially in labor. They decided to go ahead with the plan put in the bulb send me home with some Ambein and I would return the next morning. Before we left the hospital my contractions had gotten much stronger and definitely closer together, but the doctors said I still had a long way to go so it was best to just stick with going home.

I woke up the next morning groggy and very sore. Just because I slept though the contractions did not mean my body did. I was extremely excited though because I was having my little girl that day (once again DON'T PLAN ON IT). We got to the hospital about 7:45 am got all settled in and ready to get the show on the road when the midwife came in to check. Despite all the contractions I was having I had made NO changes from when I left the hospital the night before. All I could think was you have got to be kidding me. She didn't want to put me on pitocin because I said before it's easier on the baby if your already dilated. So they gave me another drug that there is no way I could spell and informed me that I was probably NOT going to have Grace that day. (I'm sorry what?) I did not get it. I was in labor my body was doing what it was suppose (or so I thought it was) and your telling me that I am not going to have her today? At around 2 pm I had made enough change that she felt they could start the pitocin. At that point I had been having contractions every 2 to 3 minutes for 22 hours. Within 20 minutes on the pitocin those contractions went to 6 in minute neither Grace nor I had time to breathe so they quickly shut off the pitocin and let us rest. A couple hours later they tried again on a much lower dip which kept them coming but a much more reasonable pace.

Around 9 pm that night the new midwife on shift informed me that I was only 4 cm!! Twenty-six hours of labor and I had only made it to 4 cm oh and Grace was still posterior. She decided it was time to break my water to help things along. I was exhausted at this point. I hadn't eaten since 6 am that morning and I felt like someone had hit me with a Mac truck and then backed up to do it again. Each contraction was stronger and I didn't know how I was going to have any energy to push. Within minutes of her breaking my water I was pretty much begging for an epidural. I just couldn't do it anymore. After I got my friend epi I thought it's just smooth sailing from here. I was able to actually close my eyes and rest. That was until at 2 am my room was flooded with nurses.

Grace's heart rate was dropping and not returning to fast enough. They started me on oxygen and flipped me from side to side until they got the result they wanted. It was the scariest moment (up till that point in my life). Having about 6 nurses working on you and worrying is my baby okay. I get choked up just thinking about it. After they got her back to normal I thought Thank God that was over, but I was wrong....so wrong. It happened another 4 times. The last time being at 8 am in morning. I knew something was really wrong when the doctor came in. You see unless you need a doctors intervention at Ft. Carson you see a midwife and they work with the "normal labors". Dr. Clarke explained to me that Grace was wedged funny and they were going to try and turn her MANUALLY to get her to come out. I won't go into details here but OMG even with the epidural I thought I was being ripped in half. He got her to turn half way let go to get a better grasp and she turned right back. (Did I mention she's my child?)

It was then that he told me that we had no other option. She needed to come out in the next few minutes or things were going to get much worse for her. These were the scariest words I have heard. I didn't even care that I was going to have major surgery I just wanted my daughter in my arms. The next 20 minutes were a blur. All I know was there were people everywhere moving me all over, hooking IVs, and everything else. Then I was wisked away into an OR where more people were all over me. I was terrified. I just wanted her here. I didn't know I was holding my breath until one of the nurses told me. Then I heard Dr. Clarke say "Initial incision made 8:50" I thought OMG STEVE'S NOT HERE YET HE'S GONNA MISS IT! Just then I see him white scrubs and all. AND YES, He made it though the whole thing without passing out!!! Ok so now that my husband was there I was ready for Grace. Which I didn't have to wait long because at 8:52 I heard the best sound in the world. My baby girl's cry well scream really but still the best sound ever. So finally after 49 hours and 52 minutes my little girl made her grand debut into the world. When asked would I do it again my answer is simple I would not change a thing. She's a miracle and I am blessed to have Grace in my life.