Don't feel sorry for me.

I hate breastfeeding. There I said it!! The idea of walking around with my boob hanging out all the time just bothers me. I am not comfortable BF in my own home and I am sure as hell not comfortable doing it in public. With Grace I thought I had such a hard time with it because she didn't latch and we ended up having to use a sheild which just makes everything that much harder. Especially in public. After 12 weeks of trying to make it breastfeeding with Grace and some complications with medicine I gave up breastfeeding and switched her to formula. Of course life was ten times easier for me. I didn't have to worry about trying to get her to latch while in public without dropping the nipple sheild and having milk run down my front. I just packed the bottles and formula and I was good to go. I got some nasty looks from fellow moms and even a lecture or two about how I was destroying my child's health. I never let those get to me though. We were a much happier family without the breastfeeding. Until I hit the checkout every week. My goodness formula is an expensive little powder. We spent upwards of $40 a week on her formula. So when we decided to have Connor I was determined to make breastfeeding work!

When Connor latched on in the hospital with no problems and "ate" like a champ I was thrilled!! After all my biggest anxieties with BFing Grace were due to her latching problems, right? Wrong! When we got home and my milk came in things went down hill pretty fast. Connor was a cluster feeder from day one. I am talking the kind of kid who wanted to be attached 24/7! It was the only other time he wasn't crying other then when he was asleep. The first couple days weren't bad since I had Steve to help, but when he went back to work at 7 days pp all hell broke lose. Connor never wanted to be put down but he also didn't want me moving during his feeding. No sling would do either. Soon he only ate in football position also very difficult to do in public! Then my letdown was to strong and the kid choked every time he ate which was all the time and soon he started refusing the breast. It would take 2 hours to get a full 10 minutes of him latching because he just kept popping off. Poor Grace was losing it. Daddy was working 12-14 hours usually when she was awake and mommy always had this little thing attached to her. She began to cry every time Connor did knowing mommy would have to feed him.  My heart was breaking! About two weeks PPD I told Steve that's it I can't do this anymore! I was completely miserable. Not only did I feel like I was letting my toddler down I was comfortable all the time and not just because of my crazy oversupply! I never wore a shirt it seemed! I was always walking around naked from the waist up and when I did go out in public I always had those stupid nursing covers on which he HATED!! I couldn't just stop BF! I was determine to get him to at least 12 weeks. So what do I do?

It was on a day trip to Lawton OK when I got my answer. In order to avoid pulling over every ten minutes just to sit there for 30 while he ate I took along my breast pump and pumped every three hours. I realized quickly that both he and I were much happier. When we got home I made an appointment to see the LC here in Altus. After talking with her we determined two things. First I had an oversupply and an over active let down. These were the reasons for Connor's sudden lack of interest in eating and more then likely the same reasons Grace had latching issues. Second although it was possible for us to keep trying and as he would grow his ability to adjust the flow would also grow. I was honest if it was going to take a lot of time and effort I didn't know if I could mentally handle that. As I said earlier Steve is training on a new aircraft meaning he was working 12-14 hour days starting and ending at the weirdest times. I was also a lot more depressed then I let on and I knew any more stress would send me back down the dark road I had been after Grace. So we talked options. Of course formula feeding was one but I refused. What a waste? I had friends who gave anything to be able to provide their child with BM and they just couldn't. Here I was with an abundance and I was just going to quit? Umm..No! So next was pumping. She warned that it might be harder then I thought. At first you have to pump every 2-3 hours for 20 minutes. I could tell that she was secretly thinking how pumping would be just as much work then just waiting it out, but she wasn't the one who had her heartbroken every time she had to feed the baby because her toddler was getting left out for hours at time. So I decided I'd give it ago. I had exclusively pumped the last 3 weeks with Grace I could at least try it. Little did I know what an amazing thing it would be.


After a week and a really good transition bottle suggestion from a friend Connor was fully on bottles. I can't tell you how much happier the Bostwick household was. Grace loved that mommy wasn't always wrapped up with Connor. I could pass him off to Steve if he was home and we could have a little girl time. Connor was happier too! He would eat a lot more since it wasn't being shot into his mouth like fire hose. I get annoyed sometimes as I am standing over the sink washing the plethora of bottles, pump parts, and storage bottles, but then I remember how much better life is and it's all worth it. I am determined to make it to at least 6 months pumping. I'd love to make it to a year but small goals work better for me. So what I tell you that I exclusively pump don't feel sorry for me. I am a much happier person knowing that I don't have to be miserable to breastfeed my son. Sure I wish I was one of those women who loved breastfeeding, but I am not. I do still however want my son to get the best nutrition he can so this is what I have to do. It's whats best for both of us.