I use to be a good mom.

First I know it's been a while, but tonight this particular topic hit me hard.  I want to start off with first saying this is a not a I need a pat on the back blog. I  know my kids are healthy and happy and in the end that's all that matters. This is not a make Katie feel better about herself post.  I know I am doing my best and considering that 60% of the year I am doing it by myself that's pretty dang good in my book. This is a my kids deserver better blog.  My children deserver my best not "I am doing the best I can".

Tonight I was cleaning up the house from having some friends over and I as put away some of the books that were pulled out I realized I haven't read to Grace or Connor in two days. These past two days have been filled with running here and there. Getting home just in time for nap or bed with hardly minute to spear in between. Both kiddos usually exhausted and a fed up mommy so its usually bath and bed. I can't tell you the number of times the words "I can't do this anymore" has rattled around my brain these past two days.  How just done I am.When Grace was little I was such a great mom. We did so many things through out the day story times, played the park, craft times, etc. Now we are lucky if we get a good 10 minutes of just us time and even then its usually us snuggled up on the couch watching TV because I just want her to stop moving for five minutes. My nerves are shot now a days and I hate that. I wish I had the patiences of a saint, but I just don't. Then tonight as I am putting stuff away I realize that me being done has hurt my children. Tonight Connor went down without a bedtime story. He will be a day older tomorrow and I will never get today back. I did not take the time to be the best mom I could be today. Just five minutes of my time is all it would have taken but instead I put him down so I would have one less kid to deal with for the night. Now all I want to do is rush in his room and rock him in the rocker and read a story and I can't. I need to start remembering that these are the moments that I will want back so badly one day it will hurt. So I need to take the time now to make them happen.

Life should come with a restart button.

So when I sit down to write about today and I think of all that has gone wrong. I release that not one thing was really all that terrible. It was more of just that it happened one thing after another.  I know it’s pretty petty to complain about a day like today. I really should be grateful. It truly wasn’t that bad of a day, like I said nothing really awful happened and for that I am thankful.

So where did my day start? Today actually started at 2 am this morning. When Grace finally gave in to sleep. Of course I can’t sleep knowing she’s still awake and I am not one of those people who can fall asleep the moment their head hits the pillow. In fact I take forever to fall asleep because everything I have to do the next couple of days runs through my head. So finally about 3 am I doze off. Thankfully neither child woke up again until 7:30, which is the time I normally get up on school days anyways. Of course today my loving husband decides to take to long in the shower and I am left to shower with both kiddos awake, which is a dangerous combination.  So I opt to skip the shower and go to the gym from drop off. So I am racing around packing snacks and drinks for school and the gym. When I look up at the calendar and realize it’s the 28^th, the day of Grace’s Pumpkin Festival at school. I wouldn’t have time to go to the gym since I have to accompany her at 10:30. So now I really must shower.

            I race into the bathroom, throw my contacts in, and hop in the shower hoping to get in and out in less than ten minutes. That’s when the burning starts! My contact solution apparently did not neutralize like it was suppose so I basically just shoved 3% hydrogen peroxide in MY EYES!!  In the panic of trying to open my eyes enough to get the contacts out I hear the dreaded thud of a human body hitting the floor.  Sure enough the screams start about 10 seconds later. So I still have one burning contact in and am now running into the living room soaking wet. Luckily Connor had just rolled off the couch on to the carpet and wasn’t injured just surprised by his fall. So I get him settled all while trying to dig out the STILL BURNING CONTACT.  I was able to finish showering and get dressed without anything else eventful happening but contacts were a no go today as my eyes where still pretty soar and red when I left the house.  Of course that is when my exhausted three old year decided to throw a tantrum because she “didn’t want to go to school” or she ”didn’t want to wear Izzy costume to school.”  I finally told her “FINE, we won’t go to school today” and begin to text her teacher to tell her we won’t be making it today. When she suddenly has a change of heart and want’s to go to school, of course the costume is still a no go. So I just throw it in her school tote and head out the door about 10 minutes later then usual.

            The drive to school was also uneventful mercifully as I pulled Elaine Benous trying to get her “house guest” to the airport during rush hour moves on the highway. Like I predicted as soon as she gets to school and sees everyone in costume she wants hers on.  So I am dressing her in the middle of the hallway when I reach in her school tote and feel something gel like that is definitely not suppose to be there. I pull everything out and on the bottom of her tote is a 1-inch thick layer of a white gel like substance that SMELLS LIKE DEATH. Grace’s teacher of course is being very helpful despite being in the middle of drop off by getting me some Clorox wipes and holding Connor while I scoop out whatever this disgusting mess is into the bathroom trash.   It wasn’t until later in the car that it hits me….it was week old milk!! Connor must of spilled his bottle in there too when he was pouring milk on everything the other day. No wonder I didn’t find as much as I thought I would around the house. L

            So now it’s time for me to waste an hour before going back to the school for Grace’s Festival. This is when things actually get a little better. I was going to just walk around the BX for a bit and maybe look at their shoes but I ran into my friend KC who works at the golf shop and was able to vent a little bit about my day and waste the time without having to lock Connor up in a cart. Then back to Grace’s school I go. The festival itself was great and unexciting except for two almost meltdowns from a very tired Grace.  At this point we head home and Grace begins to ask for “(Mc)Donald’s” for lunch.  I am TOO tired and worn out to fight with her so I say SURE.

            Home, Lunch (and Chia Tea since Steve was sweet enough to bring me one home)  and off to nap at 1:30. I force Grace to lie down in my bed with me so I know where she is and I doze next to her while Connor sleeps. The next thing I know it’s 4 pm and both kids are sound a sleep. So I freak out waking Grace up because there is NO way I am going to stay up with her till 2 am again! Wake up Connor and frantically start the meal I am suppose to be bringing one of our squadron families who just a baby. Luckily I woke up with plenty of time to get dinner in the oven and Steve gets home at 5:30 like I begged him to three times that day. I am in the middle of getting our own dinner in the oven next to the meal about to be pulled out when I notice the jar of pesto that is suppose to be on the chicken I am cooking to take is still UNOPENED on the counter. I forgot the MOST important part of the WHOLE meal!!! So I freak out pull their dinner form the oven and just stare at it a minute. Then I said to Steve….I can FIX THIS!! I begin scooping the cheese and tomatoes off the top of the chicken, place the chicken in a new pan, heat the pesto over the stove really quick, pour it on the chicken, replace the tomatoes, cover with more cheese and broil on high for a couple of minutes.  BOOM dinner saved!! OF course that left me with minutes to spare to get out the door. So I throw our dinner in the oven and leave Steve with instructions on what to do and run out the dinner at the last possible minute to make my 6 pm drop off on time. Again Elaine on Rockaway Blvd. moves but dinner gets to where it needs to be on time.

            Expecting that the be the end of any surprised today is really to much. I won’t go into how poor Steve misheard what I said (and wrote down) but needless to say dinner was much later tonight then expected. So far things have been quite since then BUT it’s still technically early. Hopefully I won’t have to add anything else to this post and bedtime will come early and without much fuss! Tomorrow I have nothing planned so I am going to spend the day in pj’s with the kids, catching up on laundry and housework, and “resetting” this week. I could really use the do over. L

Don't feel sorry for me.

I hate breastfeeding. There I said it!! The idea of walking around with my boob hanging out all the time just bothers me. I am not comfortable BF in my own home and I am sure as hell not comfortable doing it in public. With Grace I thought I had such a hard time with it because she didn't latch and we ended up having to use a sheild which just makes everything that much harder. Especially in public. After 12 weeks of trying to make it breastfeeding with Grace and some complications with medicine I gave up breastfeeding and switched her to formula. Of course life was ten times easier for me. I didn't have to worry about trying to get her to latch while in public without dropping the nipple sheild and having milk run down my front. I just packed the bottles and formula and I was good to go. I got some nasty looks from fellow moms and even a lecture or two about how I was destroying my child's health. I never let those get to me though. We were a much happier family without the breastfeeding. Until I hit the checkout every week. My goodness formula is an expensive little powder. We spent upwards of $40 a week on her formula. So when we decided to have Connor I was determined to make breastfeeding work!

When Connor latched on in the hospital with no problems and "ate" like a champ I was thrilled!! After all my biggest anxieties with BFing Grace were due to her latching problems, right? Wrong! When we got home and my milk came in things went down hill pretty fast. Connor was a cluster feeder from day one. I am talking the kind of kid who wanted to be attached 24/7! It was the only other time he wasn't crying other then when he was asleep. The first couple days weren't bad since I had Steve to help, but when he went back to work at 7 days pp all hell broke lose. Connor never wanted to be put down but he also didn't want me moving during his feeding. No sling would do either. Soon he only ate in football position also very difficult to do in public! Then my letdown was to strong and the kid choked every time he ate which was all the time and soon he started refusing the breast. It would take 2 hours to get a full 10 minutes of him latching because he just kept popping off. Poor Grace was losing it. Daddy was working 12-14 hours usually when she was awake and mommy always had this little thing attached to her. She began to cry every time Connor did knowing mommy would have to feed him.  My heart was breaking! About two weeks PPD I told Steve that's it I can't do this anymore! I was completely miserable. Not only did I feel like I was letting my toddler down I was comfortable all the time and not just because of my crazy oversupply! I never wore a shirt it seemed! I was always walking around naked from the waist up and when I did go out in public I always had those stupid nursing covers on which he HATED!! I couldn't just stop BF! I was determine to get him to at least 12 weeks. So what do I do?

It was on a day trip to Lawton OK when I got my answer. In order to avoid pulling over every ten minutes just to sit there for 30 while he ate I took along my breast pump and pumped every three hours. I realized quickly that both he and I were much happier. When we got home I made an appointment to see the LC here in Altus. After talking with her we determined two things. First I had an oversupply and an over active let down. These were the reasons for Connor's sudden lack of interest in eating and more then likely the same reasons Grace had latching issues. Second although it was possible for us to keep trying and as he would grow his ability to adjust the flow would also grow. I was honest if it was going to take a lot of time and effort I didn't know if I could mentally handle that. As I said earlier Steve is training on a new aircraft meaning he was working 12-14 hour days starting and ending at the weirdest times. I was also a lot more depressed then I let on and I knew any more stress would send me back down the dark road I had been after Grace. So we talked options. Of course formula feeding was one but I refused. What a waste? I had friends who gave anything to be able to provide their child with BM and they just couldn't. Here I was with an abundance and I was just going to quit? Umm..No! So next was pumping. She warned that it might be harder then I thought. At first you have to pump every 2-3 hours for 20 minutes. I could tell that she was secretly thinking how pumping would be just as much work then just waiting it out, but she wasn't the one who had her heartbroken every time she had to feed the baby because her toddler was getting left out for hours at time. So I decided I'd give it ago. I had exclusively pumped the last 3 weeks with Grace I could at least try it. Little did I know what an amazing thing it would be.


After a week and a really good transition bottle suggestion from a friend Connor was fully on bottles. I can't tell you how much happier the Bostwick household was. Grace loved that mommy wasn't always wrapped up with Connor. I could pass him off to Steve if he was home and we could have a little girl time. Connor was happier too! He would eat a lot more since it wasn't being shot into his mouth like fire hose. I get annoyed sometimes as I am standing over the sink washing the plethora of bottles, pump parts, and storage bottles, but then I remember how much better life is and it's all worth it. I am determined to make it to at least 6 months pumping. I'd love to make it to a year but small goals work better for me. So what I tell you that I exclusively pump don't feel sorry for me. I am a much happier person knowing that I don't have to be miserable to breastfeed my son. Sure I wish I was one of those women who loved breastfeeding, but I am not. I do still however want my son to get the best nutrition he can so this is what I have to do. It's whats best for both of us.

Oh What A Year!!

      I can't believe it has been a year since my last post. I thought maybe six months or so but a full year? Where did that time go? It's amazing how it all just gets away from you so fast. In fact it just hit me in this very second that we are more then halfway through with 2014 already! Holy COW!! So let me catch you up on the last year of the Bostwick Clan.

     The summer of 2013 was pretty uneventful for us. Steve upgraded to Instructor Pilot in the C-21 in May. Not much in the way of June that I can remember. We spent fourth of July in Dallas while Steve had some simulator training. I didn't remember just how much I love the state of Texas until we were there. I really could move to the Dallas area and be perfectly happy. In fact it is a conversation that comes up a lot now in the household. Grace and I ended up with a terrible stomach bug causing us to cut our trip short but it was still fun while it lasted. In August Steve pinned on Captain and we found out that he would be spending the end of year deployed.  Grace and I took a trip to Washington DC and got to FINALLY meet my adorable nephew Ben! September was a big month for us....on the 25th after months of trying we found out we were expecting our 2nd child! We spent the month of October preparing for Steve's upcoming deployment. Due to the fact that I was expecting and it was the holiday season we decided that Grace and I would return to Georgia for majority of the deployment. Shoveling snow and trying to make it to doctor appointments alone in Colorado was just not something I was looking forward too. Grace and I flew in to the homeland on the 26th and Steve joined us two days later with the puppies. He was able to spend a week with us there in Atlanta before returning back to Colorado. November and December were filled with the typical holiday fun. Grace and I became really familiar with I-75 as we made the track from Atl to Valdosta quite a bit. We rang in the New Year in Valdosta with a visit from Brittany, Alex, and Ben! It was great to see them again so soon. As busy as the end of 2013 seemed it had NOTHING on what the first 6 months of 2014 would bring for us.

     In January Grace and I returned home to Colorado. As wonderful as it was to spend time in Georgia with the family it was so nice to be back in our house and that much closer to Daddy coming home.  I was looking forward to getting settled back into our routine and finally being able to start processing our pregnancy.  In October and November we had two separate scares with bleeding, but as far as we could tell everything was ok. In December we found out we were having a boy. At each of these events I felt very detached. As excited, as I was to be pregnant I didn't feel like it was all really happening because Steve was not around and I wasn't in my home. So getting back to Colorado in January I felt like it would all start to hit me. Then Steve dropped the biggest bomb on me one night in February.

    We had been talking on FaceTime before he went to work and I went to bed. It wasn't 30 seconds after hanging up that my phone began to ring again. When I saw it was Steve I knew something was up because I had just told him I was exhausted and really needed to go to bed. When I answered he said "So...listen to this.." then he proceeded to read an e-mail from virtual MPF telling him that he has been selected for an assignment at Seymour Johnson AFB in NC. The idea of getting a assignment was not a shock as we had been waiting to hear about what we though was going to be a summer move as our SQ was closing in June. He then read the dates.... April 21st. I am sorry what?? Instantly I started doing the math.... how many weeks away was that.... how far along in my pregnancy would I be? I had moved in my third trimester with Grace and I had vowed to NEVER do that again. HA! Was this even real? Everyone else had been told about his or her new assignments from the SQ Commander not though e-mails. Plus they had said that none of us were leaving until after we were closed anyways this must all be a mistake. So Steve emailed his SQ and I settled in for a very sleepless night. When we talked again the next day Steve told me it was legit. We were leavingColorado in 8 weeks and I was going to be moving at 34 weeks pregnant. There goes processing this pregnancy...I was going to be too busy getting ready for a PCS for any of it to start to feel real.

     Steve got home February 22 and that's when the whirlwind began. All our plans for his two weeks R&R went out the window. We needed to use that time he had off to start getting the house ready for the move. Before I knew it two weeks had passed and Steve was back to work. March and April was filled with going though the house, cleaning, packing, and figuring out healthcare stuff for when we got to our temporary training in Altus Ok where we would be until September.  It took a lot of help from some amazing friends, but on April 20th we hit the road for Oklahoma. After getting settled into our little 2 bedrooms TLF here I finally found time to get ready for our new arrival. In just 5 and 1/2 short weeks our little trio would grow to a quartet. That's where we are now. Connor Milton joined our family on May 28th at 8 am via c-section. Going from one child to two has been quite the journey especially in a tiny apartment with Steve working 12-14 hour days at times. We are surviving though and everyday it gets a little easier. Sometime at the end of August we will pack up here and start the last leg of this PSC to North Caroline where we will finally get to settle down for a good 3-4 years...hopefully! 

Because tomorrow might be too late.....

      I don't know what it is about this year but it seems that every minute I see someone jumping down someone else's throat about what the true meaning of Memorial Day is. I don't know why, but this pettiness really urks me. It's as if people have lost sight of what those we are remembering today died  for. Today is a day to remember those men and women who gave EVERYTHING they had in the service of their country. It is a day to remember that our FREEDOM does come at a price a price paid for in BLOOD, but I truly don't believe you can think about those who have died for our country without remembering those who served alongside them and who continue to serve today. I think that any day that puts our troops in the forefront of someone's mind is a WIN. Any day that reminds us to say "Thank YOU" to those who have fought and are still fighting for our freedom is a GREAT day in my book, because if today isn't a reality check into the fact that that person might not be here tomorrow to hear you say it to them I don't know what is. So well you dwell on what the true meaning of today is I am going to remember the real meaning of the day that many Men and Women have laid down their life for us and I am going say THANK YOU to each and every person who has served our country because tomorrow might be to late.

It can wait!

Today while pulling out of a busy shopping center Grace and I were almost side swiped by a younger female driver making an illegal left turn and texting on her phone. Despite myself and the other car she almost hit honking at her her phone never left her eyesight. I had to fight with every ounce of sanity that I could not to follow her and ask what text she was sending/reading that was so important that she was willing to risk not only her life, but those around her as well. I have to say that texting on your phone while driving is literarily the STUPIDEST thing you can do sober. It is also probably my biggest pet peeve with drivers. Maybe it's because I have had to bury a friend who thought texting her brother that she was running five minutes late was more important then looking both ways before pulling out on a highway where people go 75 mph, but to me there is absolutely NOTHING that is so important it cannot wait for you to stop driving. In fact there is no maybe about it, I know that losing a friend over a text message (let that sink in for a moment....my friend died because of a TEXT) is what changed my view on texting and driving.

I'll admit I was just like that girl today. I probably sent thousands of text messages while driving when I was in high school and early in college. I never thought twice about the fact that even the shortest text can take the average person 30 seconds to type. Which means that for 30 seconds your eyes and attention are completely off the road. If someone asked you to drive 30 seconds down a road with your eyes closed would you? If your answer was yes, you should probably just save us all and turn in your car keys now. It's just plain stupid!! When I think of all the things Ashlyn will never get to do especially now when I look at my daughter and think about how truly blessed I am to have this life....it's scary to think. It could have easily been me, but I got lucky. Seriously if you have ever sent a text while driving and nothing happened it wasn't because your a fantastic driver or speedy texter. It was because you got lucky!! You no different then the guy driving drunk saying he does it all the time and nothing has happened. It's not because he's a great drunk driver...it's because he's been lucky so far. We all know luck only goes so far and eventually it's not on your side. So put down the damn phone and drive!!!! It can wait I promise because there is no worse feeling in the world then losing someone over a text.

Hold that pose!!

So as parents we all have those moments when our child is genuinely scared or upset about something, but their just being too darn cute to pass up that photo opportunity. Tonight was a OK I will help you as soon as I take this picture moment.  Grace was in the shower (yes, I said shower....Oy Vey!) playing with her singing duck I was sitting next to the tub replying to a text message  when all of a sudden she jumps up from her crouch position runs to the other side of the bathtub pointing, crying, and SCREAMING.  My first thought is O crap did the water temperature change? I check it no it hasn't so then I am thinking what the hell is in the in the tub with her since she's still pointing. I looking all around and I pick up her toy drum and behind it  is a big huge stinky TURD!! She pooped in the shower and then ran away from it SCREAMING like it was a mouse. She was crying so hard it was all I could not to fall over laughing. So like the great mom that I am instead of scooping her out right away I throw the phone into camera mode snap a shot of my daughter completely terrified of her own poop and then pull her out of the tub. It isn't until she's out of the tub and wrapped up that I finally get her to stop screaming. Needless to say I found this all really funny, but that may just be cause I am a little off my rocker. Oh well, I got a tub to go sanitize GOOD NIGHT!!