Letting Go

     When my doctor first used the term "Vagina Envy" I was sure I had misheard her. I guess my shock from hearing the words read like a book across my face, because she started to laugh. She said that although the term is her own, the issue is very real. It is a form of postpartum depression that only a handful of women whose only option was an emergency C-section suffer from. It's extremely hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced it. My doctor said that she knew I was a prime candidate not only because  during the 4 months that she was my doctor I made it clear that unless Grace's life was in danger I was not open to having a C-section, but also because I was planning a natural child birth.  It has been especially hard the past 5 months because I have had about 15 friends have babies recently only one of those was a c-section and it was planned due to her first child being born via C-section. It's hard to hear their birth stories because there is so much that I feel I was cheated out of. Please don't get me wrong, Grace is the most wonderful and awesome blessing I could ever have asked for, but I as said unless you have been here there is no way for you understand.
      When I am told how amazing it was when the doctor placed their little miracle on their chest I am jealous, because I did not/will not ever have that. I was not the first, second, or even third person to hold Grace. In fact she was not placed in my arms until 45 minutes after she was born. Even then because I was extremely drugged I could barely keep my eyes open and I was not able to hold her without supervision because I was trembling so bad. When I was finally moved to the postpartum ward I was told that I could not be alone with Grace until it was okayed by my doctors. So that night when Steve had to drive my mom home I was separated from her for nearly 2 hours until She needed to be fed and a nurse had to sit in the room with us. After she was done she was once again taken to the nursery until Steve finally made it back. (No he was not taking his time either it killed him being away from her as well the hospital is just that far with traffic and the snow on the ground.) It's hard knowing that my next child birth will more then likely be just same, only I will know going in that a C-section is pretty much my only option. The hardest part of all it though is feeling like I am broken. Anyone who has known me for the past 10 years knows the issues I have had.  This pregnancy was extremely normal and I was finally feeling like a woman again, but its amazing how quickly that was taken away.
      It didn't occur in the hospital the only that was going though my mind that morning was getting Grace into this world healthy. The day we were discharged from the hospital the nurse (Roberta) who was there when was Grace was born came in to say goodbye. While we were talking she admitted that she was holding her breath until she heard Grace's screams. Her heart rate had been dangerously low for longer than they were comfortable with and they were not sure what they were about to encounter. I do not take for granted Grace's health. The fact that I can hold my beautiful girl in my arms today is nothing short of a miracle. I definitely never expected to feel depressed over not having a normal labor. As I said before unless you have been here it's not something you could understand. My doctor assures me that my feelings are quite common for someone in my shoes, and that I have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact she suggested sharing my feelings with others, she said I would be surprised to find that I am not alone. The truth is that until today I was ashamed, I felt guilty for feeling the way I do. I thought that I should be happy no matter what kind of birth story I had at least I had one right? In fact Steve wasn't even aware of my feelings until recently, but I have woken up to the fact that I am not alone. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am allowed to be upset about missing out on the most natural thing for a woman's body to do give birth. It's ok to be jealous of an experience I will never have, as long as I don't harp on it. So that's what I am doing. I am getting my feelings out there and I am letting go!

  Now, I am going to go in the other room and stare down at my Gracie Bell and bask in the blessing that she is in my life.

For all my girls!!!

“An Airman’s Wife” I’m married to my hero, I live a life some can not bare. His job is not done safely on the ground, But high up in the air. I spend many nights alone, Awake for hours at a time. Longing for that man I love, The one who‘s again left me behind. I share him with this country, To which he swore he’d be true. And though I admire his integrity, Sometimes I don’t want to see it through. He’s promised to protect them, Those who weren’t born free. And when I explain it to our son, “Sometimes that’s without you and me…” And I know how much he’s missing him, Because we feel the same… We miss our hero, and our daddy… We hate this silly game. Our days are never promised, And it seems so unfair… But this is the life we’ve chosen, To leave it now, we wouldn’t dare. The day’s always drag, Time never seems to fly! But people enjoy their freedom, Because our daddy protects the skies! We fly the stars and stripes, And our yellow ribbon’s too! We’re proud of where we come from! We love, the Red, White, and Blue! We’ll support what he stands for… Liberty, Freedom, and Life Because I’ve taken a vow that I’ll never let down, To be my Airman’s wife… Unfortunatly it didn't have the authors name but I thought I'd share it anyways!!

Mother of the Year

       I know it won't be my last, but tonight I had my first Mother of the Year moment. When Steve got home from today we ran over to the BX to get a couple of things came home and cooked dinner. Shortly after dinner I was playing with Gracie when I noticed she had little red bumps on her neck. After further inspection I found that this rash covered her entire back and stomach. I call the after hours line at the clinic just be on the safe side. The pediatrician on called wanted me to take her in to the ER to be on the safe side, because I couldn't think of anything that's changed in her routine/diet or any body who has been sick recently. Since it was only 6:30 and I know how quickly Ft. Carson's ER fills up after 8 I was kinda rushing Steve to get there. 
       I run upstairs throw on jeans and my sneakers, race back down stairs and start going though the diaper bag. I grab about 6 diapers because who knows how long we will be there. Fill 3 bottles with nursery water and fill her formula on the go cup. I throw the diapers, wipes, and bottles into the bag. Get Gracie in her carseat and we head out the door. The waiting room is pretty much empty when we get there but we still wait about 20 mins till we go in for vitals and are sent back in the waiting room til we are called. As we are sitting there Grace beings her I am starting to get hungary fuss. So I ask to Steve to make a bottle and then it hits me. I put everything but the FORMULA in the diaper bag!!! OMG!!! I literally almost start crying. How could I be so absent minded!!! So I kinda freak out telling Steve he has to go to the PX or shopettee ANYPLACE that might have baby stuff. So of course as soon as he leaves we get called back. Thank God Grace is easily distracted because she cared more about all the stuff in the room then her getting her hunger fix. Thank God Steve finally showed up with formula right as Grace started to realize that she was still hungry about the same time they were discharging us. 
        So, thankfully my first DUMB moment wasn't all that bad and we were able to fix it before Gracie-Bell had a melt down, but as I said before I know this won't be my last I CAN"T BELIEVE I DID THAT MOMENT. 


P.S. Grace is fine. They aren't sure what broke her out either, but we are watching it for now. I'll see if it's gone away in the morning if not I'll be calling the doctor again. 

Four Months Already??

So, I have started a post about our week long vacation to Georgia probably ten times. I was already to tell you all about how Gracie was an angel on the plane, how our rental car (a Chrysler 300 in red) got us the weirdest looks in ATL.  That her baptism was one of the most beautiful ceremonies ever and there were VERY few dry eyes in the house after my father teared up giving the mothers blessing. How the after party at my parents house was a huge success. How we rode home to Colorado Springs with a suspected murder on the plane, and lastly how when we got back to the airport we found out our car was dead and had to bug our friends once again to come save us. When it hit me that my little girl turns 4 months old tomorrow. I feel like it was just yesterday I was packing for the hospital to go have her. Part of me can't believe she's that big already, but then I look at her with huge gummy smile and just think of all the amazing things she does and I can't believe it's only been 4 months. Every parent thinks their child is the most wonderful kid on the planet and to be honest we are all right. Our kids are the most amazing. She means the world to me and I can not wait to see what exciting things she pulls off this month! 

To the moon and back.

TWO POST IN 24 HOURS!! I know whatever will you do with yourselves!! Just kidding!

Happy Easter Everyone!!

As you all know this is Gracie's first and so far it has been great. She was showered with gifts from everyone in the family and was an angel this morning at mass. She's been a little cranky off and on though out the day, but who wouldn't be a little grouch with teething trying to push though your gums? One of the ways I get her to clam down is by reading to her. I think the pictures and my voices help distract her. So I went over to the easter book table and picked up a couple books she got today.

In the years that I have worked with children I have read a ton of books and you can't help but fall in love with a few of them. My favorite has got to be Guess How Much I Love You by Sam McBratney. For those of you not familiar with this book it is about a little bunny (Little Nut Brown Hare) who is trying to play the I love you more game with his daddy (Big Nut Brown Hare) or at least I assume it's his daddy they never really say what he is to the little bunny, but they do refer to him as a he. I have read this book probably 1,000 times to other children. I can do it without looking at pages. The book ends with my favorite line of all time from a parent to their child. Little Nut Brown Hare has fallen asleep after telling his daddy that he loves him all the way to the moon. Big Nut Brown Hare then tucks his little one into bed and leans in close and whispers in his ear

"I love you to the moon...and back."

I don't know what about this moment of reading that line for the first time to my daughter sitting on my lap that got to me, but I just teared up. Steve of course catches this right away and starts asking what's wrong. Which just leads to me full on crying. I've always dreamed of reading my favorite books to my kids one day, and there was a time there when I was told that that would never happen. So maybe that's what got to me. Here I am Easter 2012 reading to the most beautiful girl in the whole world, my little girl!

Mommy loves you Gracie...to the moon and back!

Family Update

I know I have been REALLY bad about updating all of you on how we are doing here in the Bostwick household. Something I really need to get better on, but I am sure you can all understand how hectic it can get with a infant around. I believe the last time I actually wrote a blog about how things were going Gracie had just turned 1 month. So here's a quick update on what has been going on.

February was busy month for Grace and I. On the 8th Grace took her first plane ride back to Mommy and Daddy's home state of Georgia where she got to meet her Grandpa Pete and 2 Uncles for the first time. She was an angel on the plane even during our two hour lay over in Atlanta. Although the actual trip was amazing I had such a good time being back home with friends and family (it could have only been more prefect had Steve been there) things ended pretty badly with me. I returned home with not one but different infections (I won't go into details), but these two infections actually ended up causing some major breastfeeding issues and but the time Grace was 12 weeks old I could no longer nurse. This actually broke my heart a lot worse then I thought it would and not just because formula cost more than blood. It was also around this time that we found out that those horrible rashes Gracie was getting was because she is allergic to most disposable diapers. So after A LOT of trial and error and almost having to go to cloth diapers we finally found at least 2 that she can wear without breaking out. Steve's February was pretty much filled with the same old same old work and flying. And of course we rounded the month off with Grace turning 2 months old on February 20th.

March was another pretty busy month for us. Steve and I celebrated our two anniversary on the 6th. I can honestly say that although sometimes we can't stand each other he is my best friend and I could not ask for a better man to be married to or be the father of my children. Gracie rolled over for the first time this month both from tummy to back and back to tummy. She also moved into her own room and I survived the transition. (Although recently there have been a couple mornings that Steve has found Grace and I in the guest bed, but that's usually only when she wakes up at 5 am and doesn't want to get back to sleep in her crib.) Grace also threw mommy for two more rings this month. While daddy was away on another week long trip out of country Grace decided she was going to try standing. I was letting her look over the back of the couch like I normally do when she's a curious mood and she just bears all her weight on her legs and stands there holding on the the back of the couch for about 45 seconds. I have a picture to prove it (in her 2 month album on FB.) The second doozy she threw at me this month was TEETHING. Thank God for my 15 plus years working with infants and toddlers because I picked up on that one fast and was able to find her something to help. So far we haven't had too many rough days, but as I am writing this Steve is laying on the bed with a little girl that just doesn't seem to be able to get comfortable enough to sleep. Grace turned 3 months on the 20th and Steve celebrated his 25th birthday on the 25th! Yay for lower car insurance.

April is already giving both February and March a run for their money. On the first I was reunited with some really good friends who I have not seen in almost 13 years!! We lived in Turkey together and lost touch after moving, but I am so looking forward to getting back together with them soon. The military proves to be a smaller and smaller world every base we go to. Tomorrow will be Grace's first Easter and I am so excited to take pictures of her in her little Easter dress!! Then on wednesday we leave for a family vacation back to GA! Next Sunday Gracie will be baptized by her Grandpa Pete in the same church her daddy and I were married in. I can not wait to see everyone again and celebrate my little Grace's baptism. Anyone wanna bet against me that Grandpa Pete gets a little choked up during the baptism?? Yea I didn't think so.

Well that's all for now. I will definitely try to keep you guys up to date better, but for now this mommy has a fussy 15 week old who doesn't look like she will be sleeping any time soon! So good night and wish me luck!!

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TMI blog warning ahead of time!!!!

I feel guilty at times when I get down about how I look now a days. I know first hand how hard getting pregant can be and what a blessing having a child truly is. Grace isn't named Grace for nothing, but when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror tonight I just shook my head. I NEVER had the prefect body, or even close for that matter, but I was pretty much content with what I was working with. My stomach had a little extra flap then what I wanted, but I had swimmers legs and little white girl booty. Now those love handles have turned into a 22 inch tire and my once tan belly is now painted proudly with service stripes. I no longer see the curves I was once happy with, now my butt and thighs just seem to run together. My calves have finally returned to a some what normal looking shape, but they are a far cry from the defined muscles they once were. I keep hearing you can't be serious Katie she's not even 4 months old of course your body is going to look different still, but it's still upsetting. I know that with a little work I can be in better shape then I was before I had Grace, but finding the time with her around seems impossible somedays. The weather hasn't been a really big help either, hopefully it will get easier this summer when I can get out of the house more with her. I knew I would look different after I had her, but I don't think anything could have prepared me for how different. I will never be able to wear a bikini again that's for sure and not because of my size, but because of those proud service stripes I mentioned before. MY GOD! At least my tattoo didn't stretch right? LOL

Don't get me wrong I love my daughter to death and anything that having her did to my body is worth it. I'd do it over hundred times even if I was told I would gain 100 pounds, but sometimes that that side glance in the mirror just gets annoying.